My grandmother was great, god bless her. She had a couple of strokes, had a hard time getting around and lived with my folks. I remember being in college and she was 84 years old. She had "The Life" when it came to food. I mean her food pyramid wasn't a pyramid it was like a straight line. I guess when you're mid eighties people feel so sorry for you that you get whatever you want. I came home one weekend from college, sat down at the kitchen table for breakfast, and she was eating a Snickers and pixie stix. I think for lunch she had a milkshake and a Twix. My parents were just glad she was eating. Of course, my nieces and nephews were all jealous. They were forced to eat brussel sprouts and broccoli at dinner while ole g'ma is dipping her sugar stick in the Fun Dip pack.

Whenever I used to go downtown with my grandma when I was younger she used to always say, "there is so much hustle and bustle in the city." Yeah there is a lot of hustling, but what the hell is bustling?

How many of you have been to Mardi Gras? (Show by applause) What a freaking good party. Every year, they show footage on tv and the girls show more and more of their body for beads. Girls today are basically naked or in a thong. 20 years ago they showed their boobs. What was it like in the 1920'? I can see guys screaming, "COME ON, SHOW ME YOUR ANKLES!" A woman would and then get like 2 beads. Next thing you know some drunk guy is getting a little more risque, "HEY SHOW ME YOUR CALVES!" Girls Gone Wild didn't sell quite as many copies back then as they do today.

I have finally figured out the best way to stop criminals. Its actually quite easy. I mean have you ever seen the mugshots of the people who get arrested for methamphamines or child pornography? What we should do is make everybody inthe United States take a mugshot. Then by simply looking at the pictures you can tell who is guilty of something.